In most of these the names have been changed. Not to protect the guilty or innocent. More so that I just didn’t think it was worthy to spend the brain power to actually remember their names.

———————
#1 – Happy Holidays.
———————
Random Person: So what are you planning on doing for Christmas this year?

Me: For christmas? Nothing. The time I take off around then? We are visiting my in-laws.

RP: What do you mean not “for Christmas”?

Me: Not really a holiday I celebrate.

RP: Why the hell not? Who doesn’t celebrate Christmas?

Me: Do you celebrate Hanukkah?

RP: No.

Me: Why not?

RP: I’m not Jewish!

Me: Same reason I don’t celebrate christmas. I’m not a christian.

RP: Are you Jewish?

Me: Nope.

RP: Islamic?

Me: Nope.

RP: Then what do you believe in?

Me: Me. And those close to me.

RP: Seriously? You dont believe in some sort of higher power? Supreme being? Anything?

Me: If I had to choose any religion. It would be a toss up between Greek or Roman mytholgoy, and ancient Egyptian beliefs. Those guys were awesome. Individual gods for each specific necessity. I gotta respect any deity that specializes.

RP: *blink*

———————
#2 – You will spend all eternity burning in a lake of fire. Have a nice day.
———————

Random Person: How come every photograph you put on Flickr is some naked woman?

Me: How come basic math skills elude you?

RP: Huh?

Me: What?

RP: All you have on there is nude women.

Me: That’s what I am saying. There are over 2500 photos in my Flickr stream. Less than 5% of those have nude women in them. Where I come from, basic math states that 5% is nowhere near all. It isn’t even close to being most. Nor is it approaching half. It just barely classifies itself as some.

RP: I dont think there should be any. They are disgusting. Most of them are fat anyways. Or ugly.

Me: Ohhhh… I get it. It isn’t that they are nude. It’s more that you don’t find them attractive. That’s what makes it wrong?

RP: Well. Either way. Pornography is a sin. And you will go to hell for what you have done.

Me: Really? A sin? Says who?

RP: God says so. It is in The Bible.

Me: Show me.

RP: Huh?

Me: Show me. Point to the exact line in this Bible you talk about that says that.

RP: I dont have a bible on me.

Me: Then Google it. Something. Anything. Please enlighten me. I dont think you can.

RP: It says it. Trust me.

Me: OK… Sure. Hey! What if I painted her nude? Is that OK? Is it the content we are referring to? Or is it the medium?

RP: That wouldn’t matter. Its the fact that she is naked that is the problem.

Me: I knew it! That Michelangelo guy was awful! All those naked people all over the Sistine Chapel.

RP: WHAT?!?! NO!! Those are religous paintings. They aren’t a sin.

Me: Cool. One of the women I photographed is a Reverend. I should be OK then.

RP: *shocked look*

———————
#3 – You are going to die.
———————

Scene: Me, standing out behind my office on the loading docks, smoking a cigarette. There is a sidewalk to the right of the dock that leads directly from the parking lot to the doors back into the building. There are steps on the left side of the dock.

Random Person: *Walks in front of the docks to go to the steps, then has to cross the dock/smoking area to get to the doors*

Me: *Nods Hello*

RP: *cough* I just want you to know, my father recently died from lung cancer because he smoked all his life.

Me: What a coincidence. Mine died from sticking his nose into other peoples business.

RP: *shocked* What? That was just rude! You are an asshole.

Me: I’m the asshole? I didnt just walk 80 feet out of my way to tell you that you were going to die.

RP: *Leaves to go inside. Gets to the door and cannot open it.* Can you let me in?

Me: Do you work here?

RP: Yes. In that building over there.

Me: Nope. Cant help you. That’s a security door. It is there for a reason. And me bypassing security to allow just anyone in would defeat the whole purpose. If you were supposed to be in this building, then you would have a card that allows you access.

RP: Do you know who I am?

Me: Nope. And I don’t care, either. Have a nice day. Just have it somewhere else.

———————

There are many others….. these are just the three that have stuck out in my head.

But as I was leaving, I noticed a streak of lightning miles away. Crap. It was going to storm, and I am strapping my backpack to the bike. I start the bike to let it warm up a bit while I finish the backpack. My phone rings. I already have my jacket and wind breaker zipped up. I unzip them both real quick and answer the phone, just because it is xavi7734‘s ring tone. Our daughter hasn’t been feeling well, and it could have been important. She is calling to see how soon I am leaving, because she is watching a storm form and doesn’t want me caught in it. heh heh I hastily answer “I just turned off the bike so I could hear you. So… Ummm… now!”

I get all my gear on, start the bike back up and head out of the parking lot, up the street, and towards the highway. As I get on the highway, a few drops of rain hit. The a few more. It isn’t really raining yet, but its about to. I get past exit 12 on my way home, where the highway goes from 3 lanes down to 2, and of course, with a few drops of water hitting the windshields, everyone slows to a crawl. For fucks sake people! Get out of the way. If you want to do 45 on the highway, do it in the left lane so I can get the hell out of here before it starts pouring. Did they? No. So here I am stuck in 45 MPH traffic for no damn reason.

I look over to my right, and I see a cop from a county quit north of us. I wont say where, just in case, but I will say he was quite far from his own jurisdiction. So that also tells me why everyone has slowed down, there is a cop visible on the road. Fucking great.

A few seconds later, I hear a horn. Its the cop. I look confused trying to figure out what he wants. He points at me and uses his fingers to show me the numbers “1″ and “3″….

WTF does that mean? I shrug my shoulders in what I am hoping is the universal sign language for “huh?” He points ahead… Uses his hand to simulate veering off to the right, and then repeats the “1″ and “3″ again…

OOOOH!!! Am I getting of at Exit 13!!! I shake my head no and take my hand off the clutch long enough to signal “1″ and “5″ which is quite a bit up the highway.

He points to himself. Then points in front of me. Then points to me. Then points behind me.

Got it. I ease off the throttle a bit to give him room to get in front of me. He moves over and turns on his blue lights. And of course, everyone immediately gets out of his way. We then proceed up the highway at a respectable speed. The road wasn’t wet yet so he had no problem going a little above the speed limit. On the way, before we hit exit 15, we passed two other guys on motorcycles in similar predicaments. They ended up joining me in the wake of this officer. I made it to exit 15, flashed my lights as a way to say thank you, and he continued on up the highway with the other guys behind him.

He must have cut 10 minutes off my commute. 15 or more if people would have continued going as slow as they were. I got off the exit, came through the center of town and pulled into my driveway just as it started to rain harder. I got into my garage with only the slightest bit of dampness on my backpack. By the way, the backpack contains my Digital SLR and Laptop. Not to mention a handful of lenses, memory cards, and a lot of other high dollar electronic equipment. So I am very thankful that I completely missed the rain.

My weekend was a fucking blast.

And thats all I have to say about that.

The day after Halloween she went out and bought me a box of each of these. Just because she heard me giggling over them when I saw them in the store.

I come from a time and place where Franken-Berry, Boo-Berry, and Count Chocula were always available. No matter what time of year. Kids could always see these en mass in stores everywhere….. but that was a happier time.

Now… in the part of the world I live in, they are considered a novelty. And the love of my life took it upon herself to grab me one of each.

I love her dearly. And it wasn’t until today that I actually let her in on the fact that these are probably three of the nastiest tasting cereals I have ever experienced. There is no way in hell that I will even put these in my mouth.

I will keep them around for a bit to stare at them and remember a simpler time. And that is the best part of these boxes.

Day 037 of 365 – My Wife Is THE Awesome!
Originally uploaded by taps7734

Funny as hell.

Not work safe.

Not kid safe.

Definitely porn.

But hilarious nonetheless.

A day or so ago, I was sitting out front of my house watching my daughter play with the neighborhood kids.  She is has ben having quite a bit of fun since it has been warm enough to go out.  Two of the neighborhood moms are out with me and we are getting our gossip on.

One of our neighbors, “P”, has a pre-teen daughter that Lady J loves to play with.  P was looking like shit.  And I mistakenly asked if she was feeling alright…..

P:  No… I haven’t slept in like 2 days.
Me: Why the hell not?
P:  I have been up worrying, crying, upset, pissed off, scared…..
Me: Why?
P: K (a totally different neighbor.  Used to be P’s daughter’s teacher.) told me that she found pictures of my daughter on MySpace.  Some “Modeling Agency” offered to take them of her.  She is half dressed in most of them. (etc etc etc… giving me details of what some of these pictures looks like)…..

***  Keep in mind that I am not a huge fan of her daughter.  I tolerate her because my daughter likes to play with her.  But…  As a father, the thoughts of murder are going through my head right now.  As a photographer, I am also getting pissed off because it just gives decent ones a bad name.  I am in no shape or form a decent photographer.  But the “As a father” thing is starting to get to me.  The more she tells me, the more pissed I am getting.  You ever get so mad that your entire body tenses up?  And when it does your back starts hurting?  I am already WAAAY Past this point….

Me:  How the hell can you sit here and be so calm about this?!?!?!
P:  I’m not calm… I am just drained.  I have been going over this in my head for 2 days now….
Me:  What is there to go over?  Give me the guys name and I will take care of him!
P:  Yea like you can do that.
Me:  What jury would convict me?
P:  There is nothing I can do.  She is just making stupid decisions.  Its sad to watch your child spiral downward like that.
Me: *blink* WTF?  How can you sit there and do nothing??!!??!!
P:  What am I supposed to do… she is 18.  And legally she can do whatever stupid shit she wants?
Me: Wait… What?  She isn’t 18…. she’s not anywhere near 18…..
P:  Yes she is.  She turned 18 the right before she visited last time.
Me:  Oh Shit!!!  You mean “M”…..

I had completely forgotten that this neighbor has another daughter who doesn’t live with her.  Here I am ready to commit who knows how many felonies.  It took me like 15 minutes just to be able to stand up and walk home.

Me:  Don’t do that to me!!!!  I was ready to go kill somebody!!!!
P:  heh heh Good to know… if something like that ever does happen… you will be the first person I call.

Hell… I would slow down, and not mind an hour drive to go 4 exits in the morning.

I am at work.  I have a million things to do, but I am at a stopping point until someone in Ohio makes a few changes that are hindering me from going any further.

I think I need to spend some time with my camera.  She is missing me.  I need a new model.  I don’t know for what yet.  But something will hit me.

So…. Who is up for spending 3 hours in front of me and my camera saying “Are you sure you know what the hell you are doing????”

And NO…. I am not taking any more shots of you nekkid shad0w_angel… I learned my lesson last time….

When all hell is breaking loose at my office, and for some reason the entire network decides to answer every request with a “FUCK YOU!”, and nothing seems to be working….

Thats when I have the most fun at my job…..

Finally found one small problem that fixed 50+ peoples issues….

And realized that my friend psychosu is getting one hell of a reputation in the dating world.

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This is pretty damn cool

http://www.videosift.com/story.php?id=630

How many songs?
6099 – This is after removing audiobooks and the like. If it wasnt music, it wasnt added.

Sort by artist
First artist: 10CC
Last artist: Zeroes

Sort by song title:
First Song: #1 Bad Boy – Poison
Last Song: Zombies From Hell – T-Ride

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Matt Pinfield Going Off – Limp Bizkit (0:03)
Longest Song: Everything – Limp Bizkit (16:01)
– Interesting that they are both the same band

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Friend, Lover, Sister, Mother, Wife – Prince

How many songs come up when you search for “sex”? 59 (Lot of Sex Pistols In There)

How many songs come up when you search for “death”? 19

How many songs come up when you search for “love”? 345

How many songs come up when you search for “you”? 818

How many songs come up when you search for “why”? 21

Mine isnt in perfect condition. The Wireless card in it is dying. The thing overheats if I sit it on my lap (I know… a LAP-TOP sitting on TOP of my LAP… What the fuck was I thinking…).

So I went to Dell, and said “Hey Fuckers!!! Gimme free money for a couple of years so I can buy some shit”!!!!

And they cowered behind there little blond haired drug addict spokesman and said “DUUUDE! Yer getting a fucking Dell! Now leave us to wade in the puddle we just made”.

Needless to say, I have two new laptops that are on their way…. I totally cant afford them… but who needs to have the little things in life like food, shelter and clothing….. I NEED FUCKING COMPUTERS!!! The 15 I have running in this house just isnt enough.

So I go to check the status like every 8 and a half minutes to see what they fuck they are doing with them…. heres what I pull up….

Boxing???

Apparently they know how much hell the wife and I put out machines through… So in order to prepare them for the hard knock life in our houselhold, they put them through a rigorous training regiment. I dont know if this is enough. I mean… we seriously beat the hell out of our machines. Between us just using them…. the dogs deciding they need to be on the ground instead of sitting on the couch, and the three year old thinking they are mini trampolines….. we beat the hell out of them…..

So instead of them taking days to train these machines to box…. I want Gladiator style matches…. to the death. I want little USB Swords…. Complete with Virus Sheilds….. A Firewire based Whip!… I want carnage!!!!!!!

If so, then I feel sorry for you. Because you are hiding what you really feel and are going to blow up.

So, for anyone who has asked me in the last week how my wife and I are doing…. the answer is just the same as always. We say shit, we move on, its called a relationship. And since it has lasted more than 30 minutes, I’d say it is a damn good one for me.

And for anyone who isn’t in a relationship, or can’t keep one, I would have to impart these words of wisdom: Shut The Fuck Up. You might as well be giving lectures on nuclear fission, because you understand neither. Hell, thats like me taking marital advice from a priest. Like either of you would know what the hell you’re talking about.

Ohio was a spur of the moment decision anyways.  We were supposed to co to Columbia ro someplace that Hurricane Chaley wanted to go to.  Well…. Im not a big fan of taking 2 year olds into the heart of a disater area in waiting, so we cancelled.  But since we were all packed, and seriously in the need of going somewhere xavi7734 made a beautiful suggestion of visiting my parents for the weekend.  So I called Mom and asked what she was doing this weekend.  Her response was “You guys coming up?  Then we arent doing anything!”.

I love my mother.  And I love the fact that she would have a pissing contest with a greek god if he was in the way of her seeing her granddaughter.  And she would win.

All in all… it was a very relaxing trip.  On the night we got there I realized my ISP had disconnected me from my network at home, and there was nothign I could do about it.  So I had 2 choices.  Fret or say to hell with it.  Guess which one won?  Yup… said to hell with it…I was on a mini vacation… work would be there when I got back.

Well I am back… and guess what… work is here…. so this is gonna be short.  Cya

Now I am just waiting on BellSouth to set up the DSL Loop like they were supposed to. Hell, it was supposed to be done yesterday. But of course, since the DSL Connection isnt going through BS, they are in no hurry to get the connection up and running.

Oh well… I guess I will just have to wait to get some decent speed here…..

Now I am just waiting on BellSouth to set up the DSL Loop like they were supposed to. Hell, it was supposed to be done yesterday. But of course, since the DSL Connection isnt going through BS, they are in no hurry to get the connection up and running.

Oh well… I guess I will just have to wait to get some decent speed here…..

Categories : Blog
Tags :
X-Posted from Taps V13.2

Now I am just waiting on BellSouth to set up the DSL Loop like they were supposed to. Hell, it was supposed to be done yesterday. But of course, since the DSL Connection isnt going through BS, they are in no hurry to get the connection up and running.

Oh well… I guess I will just have to wait to get some decent speed here…..

Mirrored from Taps V13.2.

To hell with George Lazenby, Sean is and will always be the Original James Bond! The man just rocks. Have I made myself clear?

BUT…..

I am sitting here watching The Hunt For Red October and I state again, as I have many times before, that Sean Connery is just that damn cool. And if the option arose, I would have to fuck him.

To hell with George Lazenby, Sean is and will always be the Original James Bond! The man just rocks. Have I made myself clear?

Categories : Blog
Tags :
X-Posted from Taps V13.2

BUT…..

I am sitting here watching The Hunt For Red October and I state again, as I have many times before, that Sean Connery is just that damn cool. And if the option arose, I would have to fuck him.

To hell with George Lazenby, Sean is and will always be the Original James Bond! The man just rocks. Have I made myself clear?

Mirrored from Taps V13.2.

Im spending the day at home. THere was a flood from the AC at work and the
top 4 floors of a 6 floor building were effected. So they have been laying
carpet, and redoing drywall for the last 3 days. Well I guess im not as
resilient as I used to be. The fumes from the glue and everything else are
getting to me. I have come home the last three days nauseous as hell. Decided
I could work from home using terminal server today. Fortunately for me, my
boss didnt have a problem with that.

What the hell… I can smoke at my desk now And where else can you go
and work nekkid?

I just added a bunch of pictures to the PICs section. Over the past month
or so, I have gone completely snap happy with my new camera.

Its a Minolta HTSI. Nothing spectacular, but its good for the amateur
photgrapher. Which Is exactly what I am… an EXTREME Amateur I went out
and picked up a 70-210 zoomlens and snuck it into the KISS Show. So there is
a bunch of pics from that.

Oh Yea… teh best news of my life has happened since my last entry. Carrie
and I have decided we are going to have a baby.

I would like to go into much detail about this. But it has been a while
since we decided and I still cant put my emotions into words. So you will
just have to imagine my joy.

Taps – Thu 04/20/2000 ]]> http://taps.iniquity.org/1999/12/15/3166/feed 0 http://taps.iniquity.org/1999/12/02/this-is-what-i-did-today-made-this-script-to-add-to-my-journal http://taps.iniquity.org/1999/12/02/this-is-what-i-did-today-made-this-script-to-add-to-my-journal#comments Thu, 02 Dec 1999 18:58:00 +0000 Taps http://taps.iniquity.org/1999/12/02/this-is-what-i-did-today-made-this-script-to-add-to-my-journal This
is what I did today. Made this script to add to my journal.

OK… So I didnt actually make it. I stole another CGI Script and edited
the hell out of it. Art is theft, theft is art… blah blah blah….

Best part is I was doing this the whole time I was on a phone interview.
Its good to know I can still multi task